Below are some rough notes in diary form which may help to explain the extent to which the revelation which is shared in the Powerful Peace Program™ can cut to the core of your being and set you free from the Self.
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30th Oct ’07
There began a vibrating through my being which felt that its touch would simply shatter all aspects of it. The physical was unmistakable with an internal ‘tremor’ from toe to crown. Chills coursing up and down the spine and a burning heat pulsing up after it. Heart beating wildly in the chest. The ground beneath the chair felt that it had turned to jelly and an earthquake was jerking it about, but the jelly made the jerking more of a wobble back and forth, as if sitting on an exercise ball on the deck of a ship bobbing on the ocean.
Nauseated and deeply shaken. At any moment the chair could flip forward and I would fall into nothing. The far reaching reverberations on the sense of spirituality were to a depth which I cannot explain. It felt that a shard of glass had been shoved through everything and had touched to the very core. The possibility of shattering was on the brink. There was a heavy pressure at the centre of the top of the head, as if a stake had been driven in and was burning there.
(This last sensation of the stake occurred again a couple of weeks later and lasted a week or more. The vibrating ‘tremor’ became a ‘normal’ part of life for the next few months, with the jelly floor and earthquake motion kicking in on the more intense occasions and all three (tremor/quake/jelly floor) fluctuating in intensity and getting more pronounce during intense sittings. The nausea and a woozy light-headedness also come and go fairly regularly.)
Monday, March 24, 2008
20th & 22nd Nov ‘07
20th Nov ‘07
I am reminded of times as a child when for no apparent external reason my heart felt broken, trampled and empty. On these occasions I would secretly pray to God for help. (It had to be secretly because someone I loved and respected had told me when I was very young that there was no God and I was stupid for being so gullible.) This happened many times, feeling lost, alone and empty as if a yawning hole had opened up inside, revealing my true nature and my immature mind-body couldn’t help but overflow into despair.
During today’s sitting there was another very vivid experience which has happened many times in my life. Often it has occurred when I am trying to get to sleep and the feeling of the body would start ballooning out until it felt 10 feet tall and just as wide, but still with the form in proportion. Like a giant dough boy. Accompanying this was a taste, sharply metallic is the only way I can describe it. I knew this taste and feeling very deeply. I would often try to place it and bring it into memory, but I never could.
This instep of the mind trying to place the experience inevitably dissolved it and again it was gone, leaving behind only the bewilderment of an answer being on the tip of my tongue. Over time I learned not to go looking for the memory, but to just let it be. This was an important learning which allows any experiences to come and go without attempting to manipulate or direct them in any way.
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22nd Nov ‘07
I felt a bucket of dread pour over the head and run slowly down the spine where the mind wanted to hang onto it and create a performance with it. This was clearly seen and was ignored through pin pointed practice. Although the dread or “fear of death” came up on many occasions, through this process it naturally was deeply faced and accepted into the being.
It was this afternoon that a revelation occurred which would change everything and turn my life upside down (for more details see Powerful Peace Program™).
I am reminded of times as a child when for no apparent external reason my heart felt broken, trampled and empty. On these occasions I would secretly pray to God for help. (It had to be secretly because someone I loved and respected had told me when I was very young that there was no God and I was stupid for being so gullible.) This happened many times, feeling lost, alone and empty as if a yawning hole had opened up inside, revealing my true nature and my immature mind-body couldn’t help but overflow into despair.
During today’s sitting there was another very vivid experience which has happened many times in my life. Often it has occurred when I am trying to get to sleep and the feeling of the body would start ballooning out until it felt 10 feet tall and just as wide, but still with the form in proportion. Like a giant dough boy. Accompanying this was a taste, sharply metallic is the only way I can describe it. I knew this taste and feeling very deeply. I would often try to place it and bring it into memory, but I never could.
This instep of the mind trying to place the experience inevitably dissolved it and again it was gone, leaving behind only the bewilderment of an answer being on the tip of my tongue. Over time I learned not to go looking for the memory, but to just let it be. This was an important learning which allows any experiences to come and go without attempting to manipulate or direct them in any way.
---
22nd Nov ‘07
I felt a bucket of dread pour over the head and run slowly down the spine where the mind wanted to hang onto it and create a performance with it. This was clearly seen and was ignored through pin pointed practice. Although the dread or “fear of death” came up on many occasions, through this process it naturally was deeply faced and accepted into the being.
It was this afternoon that a revelation occurred which would change everything and turn my life upside down (for more details see Powerful Peace Program™).
24th Nov ‘07
24th Nov ‘07
It is amazing how life brings together many occurrences at just the right time in order to push the limits and therefore go beyond the normal everyday ‘seeing’.
Just such a ‘coming together’ took place for me today. Again the details are not important; suffice it to say there was an overload on the circuit board.
I had come to a place in my practice where I felt ‘found’. I knew what to ‘do’ and I did it. Sure, not as much as I felt I should, but would it ever be enough? Life was comfortable, but there had also been the feeling of an under the surface agitation bubbling around for some time. I can’t put my finger on it, but stirred up on all levels. The blood quietly boiling away in the background.
In the Oneness / Awakened state the insights and experience of all arising in and as the Divine, and the Divine being everywhere and everything (beyond consciousness, the Self, and the mind-body package) has been obvious. This has been consistently tested by life and the obviousness, and the freedom which this brings, fluctuated accordingly.
Despite the freedom of the Oneness state I was aware that the mind was still going, I was still buying into it and really when I felt into it I was still suffering in a way that I thought would have finished many years before. There felt to be lots of changes but essentially I was still the same mess that I had always been, albeit with a more mature stance and view of things.
So after a particularly awful driving lesson, I arrived home and on the back doorstep the barriers broke and the practice which I had been doing for so long fell away. I gave in to the horror of the fact that none of it had truly worked as I had hoped and I was an empty liar. A sense of all of the ribbons which I hadn’t realised I had been holding tightly, and which held life together as I knew it, fell away and I was left with nothing. The tears flowed and seemed that they would never stop.
At first the mind was drawn to a sense of panic. Looking for excuses and reasons - energetic, medical and otherwise - which could explain away what was happening. To give some ground to stand on.
Even with the deeper knowing that it was unexplainable, this reasoning is what had been done forever. I had been feeling bashed down and undermined at a deep level, as if whatever I did wasn’t enough, like I was always being told off and sent back to the beginning. Obviously, this feeling was mind made and had been given a storyline which I also knew was only to help me feel valid in some way. When spoken aloud to Elysha, after he found me in a heap on the doorstep, it was known that it was for the last time.
As the possible reasons where given voice they were seen to be totally wrong and with this seeing the mind, manifestation and everything in it was again clearly seen to be entirely separate from the real beauty of this One that I am. It was also seen that the Self was an impermanent manifestation which was absolutely not required.
This had been seen before on many occasions, but not to this depth of clarity. The panic abated at this time, as the separation from the mind left the space to settle. The experience was stand alone and unable to be touched on any level, not being done or able to be manipulated, only happening and that was it. This movement of trying to find out ‘why’ then fell away, there was no need left. With that Elysha and I got ready and went down to the Ashram.
It is amazing how life brings together many occurrences at just the right time in order to push the limits and therefore go beyond the normal everyday ‘seeing’.
Just such a ‘coming together’ took place for me today. Again the details are not important; suffice it to say there was an overload on the circuit board.
I had come to a place in my practice where I felt ‘found’. I knew what to ‘do’ and I did it. Sure, not as much as I felt I should, but would it ever be enough? Life was comfortable, but there had also been the feeling of an under the surface agitation bubbling around for some time. I can’t put my finger on it, but stirred up on all levels. The blood quietly boiling away in the background.
In the Oneness / Awakened state the insights and experience of all arising in and as the Divine, and the Divine being everywhere and everything (beyond consciousness, the Self, and the mind-body package) has been obvious. This has been consistently tested by life and the obviousness, and the freedom which this brings, fluctuated accordingly.
Despite the freedom of the Oneness state I was aware that the mind was still going, I was still buying into it and really when I felt into it I was still suffering in a way that I thought would have finished many years before. There felt to be lots of changes but essentially I was still the same mess that I had always been, albeit with a more mature stance and view of things.
So after a particularly awful driving lesson, I arrived home and on the back doorstep the barriers broke and the practice which I had been doing for so long fell away. I gave in to the horror of the fact that none of it had truly worked as I had hoped and I was an empty liar. A sense of all of the ribbons which I hadn’t realised I had been holding tightly, and which held life together as I knew it, fell away and I was left with nothing. The tears flowed and seemed that they would never stop.
At first the mind was drawn to a sense of panic. Looking for excuses and reasons - energetic, medical and otherwise - which could explain away what was happening. To give some ground to stand on.
Even with the deeper knowing that it was unexplainable, this reasoning is what had been done forever. I had been feeling bashed down and undermined at a deep level, as if whatever I did wasn’t enough, like I was always being told off and sent back to the beginning. Obviously, this feeling was mind made and had been given a storyline which I also knew was only to help me feel valid in some way. When spoken aloud to Elysha, after he found me in a heap on the doorstep, it was known that it was for the last time.
As the possible reasons where given voice they were seen to be totally wrong and with this seeing the mind, manifestation and everything in it was again clearly seen to be entirely separate from the real beauty of this One that I am. It was also seen that the Self was an impermanent manifestation which was absolutely not required.
This had been seen before on many occasions, but not to this depth of clarity. The panic abated at this time, as the separation from the mind left the space to settle. The experience was stand alone and unable to be touched on any level, not being done or able to be manipulated, only happening and that was it. This movement of trying to find out ‘why’ then fell away, there was no need left. With that Elysha and I got ready and went down to the Ashram.
20th Dec '07
20th Dec '07
At first the deep sense of peace and beauty carried on, but later that day the body was left exhausted and for the next few weeks the body awoke every morning in a state of exhaustion, as if there was no internal energy to do anything and no-one there to care. It felt that there was a heavy weight pushing down, making every move a chore which needed to be gone through. As if a thousand hands were grasping at the cellular structure and squeezing. I started to take a handful of vitamins and herbal supplements to attempt to alleviate the stress on the body. Plenty of deep breathing seemed necessary, as if this would stop the body from falling down and disappearing into nothingness. It was felt that one day the breathing and trembling will stop and everything will disappear with it. For now though the breathing appears to help to get through the harder physical aspects and seems to bring more physical stamina and step by step life goes on.
When the exhaustion of the body got too much over the ensuing weeks and it was mentioned to others, it was received with surprise that anything had been occurring at all. On the surface it appears that nothing was noticeable. This initially struck me as amazing, as I had been arriving at the Ashram for each session with the energy reserves so depleted that as soon as the bum hits the seat tears of relief spring to the eyes. Not touched emotionally, it just appeared to be a physical reaction. Even sitting in the chair sometimes was too much to bear and the body screams to lie down. Thank God for the freedom and simplicity of life at the Ashram. A true blessing.
The day to day chores and mechanical flow of life all continued as before, but with no energy going into them. Pushing through in some moments and melting into the abyss in others, no choice in any of it. During sittings it was felt that the body and all of existence was melting and would never return again. When the end of the session came and the responsibilities of life started up again the moves would occur and life would go on as usual.
Internally, however, was a whole new paradigm. The perspective had shifted to a whole new sense. The mind was still functioning, but restricted to a strictly practical level. Not a constant burble and with no energy to touch this place. Like a waterfall in slow motion, which defies gravity and seems to float quietly past making no ripple within itself and touching nothing. Only spontaneously emerging when needed and then fading away again.
At first the deep sense of peace and beauty carried on, but later that day the body was left exhausted and for the next few weeks the body awoke every morning in a state of exhaustion, as if there was no internal energy to do anything and no-one there to care. It felt that there was a heavy weight pushing down, making every move a chore which needed to be gone through. As if a thousand hands were grasping at the cellular structure and squeezing. I started to take a handful of vitamins and herbal supplements to attempt to alleviate the stress on the body. Plenty of deep breathing seemed necessary, as if this would stop the body from falling down and disappearing into nothingness. It was felt that one day the breathing and trembling will stop and everything will disappear with it. For now though the breathing appears to help to get through the harder physical aspects and seems to bring more physical stamina and step by step life goes on.
When the exhaustion of the body got too much over the ensuing weeks and it was mentioned to others, it was received with surprise that anything had been occurring at all. On the surface it appears that nothing was noticeable. This initially struck me as amazing, as I had been arriving at the Ashram for each session with the energy reserves so depleted that as soon as the bum hits the seat tears of relief spring to the eyes. Not touched emotionally, it just appeared to be a physical reaction. Even sitting in the chair sometimes was too much to bear and the body screams to lie down. Thank God for the freedom and simplicity of life at the Ashram. A true blessing.
The day to day chores and mechanical flow of life all continued as before, but with no energy going into them. Pushing through in some moments and melting into the abyss in others, no choice in any of it. During sittings it was felt that the body and all of existence was melting and would never return again. When the end of the session came and the responsibilities of life started up again the moves would occur and life would go on as usual.
Internally, however, was a whole new paradigm. The perspective had shifted to a whole new sense. The mind was still functioning, but restricted to a strictly practical level. Not a constant burble and with no energy to touch this place. Like a waterfall in slow motion, which defies gravity and seems to float quietly past making no ripple within itself and touching nothing. Only spontaneously emerging when needed and then fading away again.
29th & 30th Dec ‘07
Sat 29th Dec ‘07
Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-
There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.
It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.
On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all.
---
Sun 30th Dec ’07
Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.
With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it.
Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-
There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.
It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.
On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all.
---
Sun 30th Dec ’07
Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.
With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it.
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