20th Dec '07
At first the deep sense of peace and beauty carried on, but later that day the body was left exhausted and for the next few weeks the body awoke every morning in a state of exhaustion, as if there was no internal energy to do anything and no-one there to care. It felt that there was a heavy weight pushing down, making every move a chore which needed to be gone through. As if a thousand hands were grasping at the cellular structure and squeezing. I started to take a handful of vitamins and herbal supplements to attempt to alleviate the stress on the body. Plenty of deep breathing seemed necessary, as if this would stop the body from falling down and disappearing into nothingness. It was felt that one day the breathing and trembling will stop and everything will disappear with it. For now though the breathing appears to help to get through the harder physical aspects and seems to bring more physical stamina and step by step life goes on.
When the exhaustion of the body got too much over the ensuing weeks and it was mentioned to others, it was received with surprise that anything had been occurring at all. On the surface it appears that nothing was noticeable. This initially struck me as amazing, as I had been arriving at the Ashram for each session with the energy reserves so depleted that as soon as the bum hits the seat tears of relief spring to the eyes. Not touched emotionally, it just appeared to be a physical reaction. Even sitting in the chair sometimes was too much to bear and the body screams to lie down. Thank God for the freedom and simplicity of life at the Ashram. A true blessing.
The day to day chores and mechanical flow of life all continued as before, but with no energy going into them. Pushing through in some moments and melting into the abyss in others, no choice in any of it. During sittings it was felt that the body and all of existence was melting and would never return again. When the end of the session came and the responsibilities of life started up again the moves would occur and life would go on as usual.
Internally, however, was a whole new paradigm. The perspective had shifted to a whole new sense. The mind was still functioning, but restricted to a strictly practical level. Not a constant burble and with no energy to touch this place. Like a waterfall in slow motion, which defies gravity and seems to float quietly past making no ripple within itself and touching nothing. Only spontaneously emerging when needed and then fading away again.
Showing posts with label world. Show all posts
Showing posts with label world. Show all posts
Monday, March 24, 2008
29th & 30th Dec ‘07
Sat 29th Dec ‘07
Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-
There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.
It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.
On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all.
---
Sun 30th Dec ’07
Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.
With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it.
Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-
There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.
It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.
On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all.
---
Sun 30th Dec ’07
Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.
With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it.
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