Sat 29th Dec ‘07
Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-
There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.
It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.
On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all.
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Sun 30th Dec ’07
Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.
With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it.
