24th Nov ‘07

24th Nov ‘07

It is amazing how life brings together many occurrences at just the right time in order to push the limits and therefore go beyond the normal everyday ‘seeing’.

Just such a ‘coming together’ took place for me today. Again the details are not important; suffice it to say there was an overload on the circuit board.

I had come to a place in my practice where I felt ‘found’. I knew what to ‘do’ and I did it. Sure, not as much as I felt I should, but would it ever be enough? Life was comfortable, but there had also been the feeling of an under the surface agitation bubbling around for some time. I can’t put my finger on it, but stirred up on all levels. The blood quietly boiling away in the background.

In the Oneness / Awakened state the insights and experience of all arising in and as the Divine, and the Divine being everywhere and everything (beyond consciousness, the Self, and the mind-body package) has been obvious. This has been consistently tested by life and the obviousness, and the freedom which this brings, fluctuated accordingly.

Despite the freedom of the Oneness state I was aware that the mind was still going, I was still buying into it and really when I felt into it I was still suffering in a way that I thought would have finished many years before. There felt to be lots of changes but essentially I was still the same mess that I had always been, albeit with a more mature stance and view of things.

So after a particularly awful driving lesson, I arrived home and on the back doorstep the barriers broke and the practice which I had been doing for so long fell away. I gave in to the horror of the fact that none of it had truly worked as I had hoped and I was an empty liar. A sense of all of the ribbons which I hadn’t realised I had been holding tightly, and which held life together as I knew it, fell away and I was left with nothing. The tears flowed and seemed that they would never stop.

At first the mind was drawn to a sense of panic. Looking for excuses and reasons - energetic, medical and otherwise - which could explain away what was happening. To give some ground to stand on.

Even with the deeper knowing that it was unexplainable, this reasoning is what had been done forever. I had been feeling bashed down and undermined at a deep level, as if whatever I did wasn’t enough, like I was always being told off and sent back to the beginning. Obviously, this feeling was mind made and had been given a storyline which I also knew was only to help me feel valid in some way. When spoken aloud to Elysha, after he found me in a heap on the doorstep, it was known that it was for the last time.

As the possible reasons where given voice they were seen to be totally wrong and with this seeing the mind, manifestation and everything in it was again clearly seen to be entirely separate from the real beauty of this One that I am. It was also seen that the Self was an impermanent manifestation which was absolutely not required.

This had been seen before on many occasions, but not to this depth of clarity. The panic abated at this time, as the separation from the mind left the space to settle. The experience was stand alone and unable to be touched on any level, not being done or able to be manipulated, only happening and that was it. This movement of trying to find out ‘why’ then fell away, there was no need left. With that Elysha and I got ready and went down to the Ashram.