20th Dec '07
At first the deep sense of peace and beauty carried on, but later that day the body was left exhausted and for the next few weeks the body awoke every morning in a state of exhaustion, as if there was no internal energy to do anything and no-one there to care. It felt that there was a heavy weight pushing down, making every move a chore which needed to be gone through. As if a thousand hands were grasping at the cellular structure and squeezing. I started to take a handful of vitamins and herbal supplements to attempt to alleviate the stress on the body. Plenty of deep breathing seemed necessary, as if this would stop the body from falling down and disappearing into nothingness. It was felt that one day the breathing and trembling will stop and everything will disappear with it. For now though the breathing appears to help to get through the harder physical aspects and seems to bring more physical stamina and step by step life goes on.
When the exhaustion of the body got too much over the ensuing weeks and it was mentioned to others, it was received with surprise that anything had been occurring at all. On the surface it appears that nothing was noticeable. This initially struck me as amazing, as I had been arriving at the Ashram for each session with the energy reserves so depleted that as soon as the bum hits the seat tears of relief spring to the eyes. Not touched emotionally, it just appeared to be a physical reaction. Even sitting in the chair sometimes was too much to bear and the body screams to lie down. Thank God for the freedom and simplicity of life at the Ashram. A true blessing.
The day to day chores and mechanical flow of life all continued as before, but with no energy going into them. Pushing through in some moments and melting into the abyss in others, no choice in any of it. During sittings it was felt that the body and all of existence was melting and would never return again. When the end of the session came and the responsibilities of life started up again the moves would occur and life would go on as usual.
Internally, however, was a whole new paradigm. The perspective had shifted to a whole new sense. The mind was still functioning, but restricted to a strictly practical level. Not a constant burble and with no energy to touch this place. Like a waterfall in slow motion, which defies gravity and seems to float quietly past making no ripple within itself and touching nothing. Only spontaneously emerging when needed and then fading away again.
